Diary of A Modern Gran | No Place Like Home

By Jane Corry

Usually I don’t have any problem starting my first sentence. But this week’s column is different. My father (grandfather to my children and great-grandfather to my grandchildren) is now approaching the end of life.

Or so we’ve been told.

Last week’s readers might remember that daddy (as I still call him) was moved from hospital to a care home. He has a bleed on the brain and can no longer stand. He is also confused.

I would have liked him nearer us but he cannot cope with the journey. His wife (our stepmother) also has dementia and has been moved to the same place.

The sad thing is that he’s never wanted to go into a home. But there truly doesn’t seem to be an option in our situation. Believe me. We’ve been through them all.

My sister and her husband spent a long time researching homes in the area and this one seems very nice. But Daddy wants to go back to “my own little home” and beseeches me to help him.

I explain he needs to get better first (at that stage, I thought that might be possible) but he became so agitated that it was almost unbearable. All I could do was try to reassure him, encourage him to have food and take him for walks in a wheelchair which – ironically – had the name “Escape” on it.

My sister and I are tag-teaming. I am down here for four days and then go home for three. She does the same. Our father and stepmother also have to sell their bungalow to pay for the care home fees. Of course we’ve explained all this to them but it simply doesn’t seem fair, does it?

On the first two nights that I’m there, I sleep by the side of his bed because he keeps grabbing my hand and asking me not to let him go. But I am persuaded that this isn’t doing him any good because he won’t settle. So with a heavy heart, I return to the home of a very kind family friend (herself a great-grandmother) who puts me up.

Then I cry myself to sleep before pitching up at the home at 7.30am and staying until night falls.

As the days go by, Daddy becomes weaker. I try to encourage him to eat by buying raspberries to put in in his favourite cereal. I turn on the television to entertain him and – by mistake – find myself on the Adult Channel! (I’ve never been any good at these TV remote controls). Luckily, I manage to switch it off before one of the kindly members of staff come in. Then I tell the nurse about my mishap and we have a little laugh. After that, I cry again.

My lovely children and grandchildren make Facetime calls to him but he can barely see them on the screen. Their What’s App messages encourage me but my head is buzzing after trying to answer his “When can I get out?” as truthfully as possible.

When my sister and her husband arrive for their stint, I don’t want to leave. What if he dies when I’m not there? Everyone tells me that I mustn’t feel guilty if this happens but it’s hard not to.

I force myself to get on the train and yes – it is nice to get home and get clean undies (I hadn’t packed enough!) and have a shower. But I keep checking my phone every few minutes in case something has happened.

The only thing that helps is to write and get fresh air. Selfishly, I wish my grandchildren were here to distract me. Mind you, I do have the company of their cats whom we’re feeding while they are away.

Friends say that I’m lucky to have a father who’s got to 99. It’s true. My mother (his first wife) died at 56. But the strange thing is that the longer he lives, the more I feel he will go on for ever. All this has happened very fast in just three weeks. It’s only two months since my grandchildren and my daughter came down for his birthday. Even then, he’d been very agitated. Was that the sign of the brain bleed? Who knows.

I try to tone all this down when I talk to my children on the phone (in London and Spain respectively). I don’t want to spoil their holiday by upsetting them. My six-year-old granddaughter Rose burst into tears the other night because she knows he’s poorly.

The older I get, the more I feel that we can do our grandchildren and grandchildren a great service by being as calm as possible about death. A favorite aunt of mine died just before the virus and approached her end with great serenity even though she was in pain. It helped us all. Of course, this is not always possible…

The good news is that our stepmother seems to have settled well in the care home. She no longer has the responsibility of watching our father and she enjoys having her hair done and sitting in the library. It’s as though she has a new lease of life.

By the time you read this, I will be back with Daddy again. I will hold his hand, help to get some soup down him and talk about the sound of the sea (something he loves too).

And if he asks me when he’s going home, I will say “Soon”. Because it looks as though this is true. Home can mean many things, including the final resting place.

I just hope it will be peaceful.

Ask Agony Gran

Last week, we had quite a few replies from you saying that you sympathized with the reader who didn’t like Hallowe’en. Thank to Linda too who wrote to us about another seasonal event.

“I’ve always been a bit scared of fireworks both from the point of view of noise and safety. When my children were little, we limited it to sparklers in the garden. But now displays seem to be getting bigger and bigger. My grandchildren (9 and 7) want me to come with them to the school firework show but I’m not keen. My daughter can’t make it and she’s asked me to take them. I’m not sure what to do.”

Jane says:

“Wow, Linda. I’m not sure I’m the right person to talk to about this because I’m not that keen on fireworks either! However, I can tell you that I’ve have gone along to the children’s school displays just because they’ve wanted me to. Most displays are very well run with safety as a top priority. In fact, they are often considered to be safer than fireworks in the garden. You could also wear a woolly hat and even ear plugs to cut down on the noise. I’d suggest taking a friend with you as company. A friend might give you confidence and help you keep an eye on your grandchildren – in my experience children can go wandering in big events like this. That reminds me – take a torch and wear something visible like white clothing and a neon strip band. The children could do this too.

“Of course you could say no and opt for a cosy night in. But then your daughter might not be able to find someone else to take the children. I’m also a believer in facing our fears, especially as we don’t want to pass them onto to our children and grandchildren. However, as I said, safety is paramount. If you don’t feel it’s safe, don’t go. Good luck.”

The Funny Things They Say

Thanks to Jill for sending this one in.

“I loved last week’s joke about cows at the cinema and thought you’d like to hear this one which my nine year old grandson told me. ‘What does a cloud wear underneath in stormy weather? Thunderwear!’”

Brilliant! I’m definitely going to keep that one up my sleeve, Jill!

Family News

Are your grandchildren’s parents splitting up? You can get help from all kinds of organisations including Families Need Fathers which reaches out to grandparents too. Log onto www.fnf.org.uk or ring 0300 0300 363.

Children’s Book Of The Week

Each week I’ll recommend a great book to enjoy with your grandchildren. If you have a favourite book you’d like to see featured here, email moderngran@dctmedia.co.uk.

Secrets Of A Christmas Elf by Ben Miller (Simon & Shuster, £9.99) is a great book to read in the run-up to Christmas.

Oh no! Father Christmas doesn’t feel well so the elves invent a robot to help him. But then everything goes wrong! A fun story in the lead up to Christmas for seven year olds upwards. It’s never too soon to get into the festive spirit!